Archive for the Personal Category

WOW! This past January was a year since my mom passed away and in two weeks, it will be a year since my dad passed away.  I still feel the tears when I think of them and have gone to the cemetary several times to speak to them.  But most of all, I went with my daughter several months ago to tell them that Sharon (my daughter) is engaged and that we will miss them terribly when the wedding comes this June.


I’ve been to several shiva calls over the past year and yes, I’ve come to some sort of agreement or terms with the fact that I will die, eventually.  I consider myself extremely fortunate to have a roof over my head, a husband I love, children who have graduated college and that we are all working.  I feel lucky to be cutting it. 

Not to say that things don’t get rough sometimes.  But we have to put things in perspective.  Okay, so I can’t vacation whenever and wherever I want to or I can’t give my daughter the type of wedding she might be dreaming of.  However, we all have our health, our lives or ours.

My biggest problem these days are dealing with my hearing loss and my mental state, which is not always where I want it to be.  But everyone has baggage and I wouldn’t want someone else’s.  I miss my parents terribly.  I miss my father complaining, I miss my mothers silence.  I miss their presence.  I hope that when my time comes, I will have left positive things for my family to think of when thinking about me.  We only have one life or maybe two, I don’t know, but I don’t want to waste my life on jealousy, hatred or anger.

So much has happened since I last posted.  My mother, age 89 passed away on January 29th, 2009.  I don’t care what anyone says, she died a painful death. She had a stroke but the good thing was, each decision that needed to be made, was made for us by the natural causes of heading toward death.

First she had the stroke which left her with no speech and the inability to swallow. The Doctors wanted to do a feeding tube but then her white cell count showed an infection.  She developed pneumonia. After the pneumonia, her lung collapsed.  The Doctors wanted to inflate her lung but then the cumidin which they were beginning to take her off of, caused bleeding from her lungs and blood pouring out of her mouth.  I spent several hours sponging the blood out of her mouth so that she wouldn’t choke on her own blood.

When the bleeding stopped, her kidneys began to fail.  At this point her living will clearly stated to allow her to die comfortably, so we had her on morphine every six hours.  The last three days of her life she had 106 fever, she was unconscious, she was in respiratory distress and I told her throughout the nite that it was okay to leave us, that we would take care of dad and that her mother was waiting for her. Though she was being given antibiotics and a cold thermal blanket to try to get her fever down, she continued to deteriorate.

On the last day of her life, all the grandchildren (except for one who was out of the country and except for my father who was at home sick) were in her room to say goodbye to her.  I had been sleeping at the hospital because I did not want her to be alone.  On January 28th at 11:30 p.m. I could see her breathing was deteriorating.  The nurses came in to turn her because of her bed sores and I asked that they leave my mother on her back at a 45 degree angle and requested they administer the morphine.  I found out during my sleeping over at the hospital, that the nurses only gave the morphine if requested and I certainly requested it when I was around.

At 11:45, my mother was given the morphine. I lowered the sidebars and layed down next to her, placing my hand over her heart to feel the beats.  I am hearing impaired and knew I could not hear the breathing and just wanted to hold her and lay my head on her shoulder.  I knew she was leaving and I wanted to be with her.  At 12:20, January 29th, my mothers heart stopped beating, her breathing seized and I waited and I cried.  I called the nurse in who checked her vitals.  My mother was gone.  She lay still, no pain, no awareness.  I couldn’t help but wonder where she was at that very moment in time.

After the burial, the shiva, the condolences, the surreal feeling of not knowing who, what, where and how, I cried.  Six weeks later, my father passed away very peacefully in the hospital.  Prior to his passing he spoke to my mother and reached out for her hand to take him.  On March 16th, she took his hand and they were joined together. My father celebrated his 90th birthday exactly a week before he died.  He was happy and so his death was a shock.

I feel consumed with mixed feelings of relief vs. lost.  I find myself crying in the middle of the day. I find myself crying when I go through the mail and find condolence cards.  I find myself reaching for the phone to call them, realizing, they are not there.  I’ve learned a great deal about death and dying over the past two months and I worry about my children and how I my life will end.  And then, there is life, the living. I want to live so badly and do everything my parents never did and couldn’t do.  I want to live.

Being back at work is not causing me any stress, its watching my 90 year old parents growing old and deteriorating that is difficult to watch.  My father has been totally out of it over the past few days.  He has no idea of the day, the time and he doesn’t believe I am who I say I am…..his daughter.    My mother, blind and very quiet, speaks up when my father becomes verbally abusive.  Sometimes, I just want to laugh that she can put it all together and tell him what’s reality.

 Its so hard to watch them die a little bit each day.  We’ve tried to give them everything they had requested for when they get older but the words sting.  Medications are not always the answer but it makes him zombie like and he still can’t get out of it.  I don’t want to grow old like that.  The worst part of it all, is the fighting between my brother and I.  We can’t seem to be on the same page.  I want a divorce from my siblings.  I want my life back after my parents are gone and I want very little from my brothers at this point.  It feels like a lonely battle uphill but thank god for my girlfriends who keep me in reality with a bottle of wine and food from gino’s.

It’s 6:00 a.m. do u know where you are? I certainly do! It’s exactly one year later and rather than sleeping late, I’m back to the world of work.   I guess I should be grateful that I have a job these days…  but I’ll just go with the flow of things and put on a happy face and move foward, not backward.

I feel absolutely lucky to have had the opportunity to have had a one year sabbatical. Its nothing like when we took time off to be with the children while they were growing up.  Thats a whole different experience as well.  The sabbatical is literally “all about me” and these days, all about me can usually be a pity pot rather than a happy spot in your life.

My next sabbatical will be my radical retirement.  I’ll have no problem going off into the sunset.

With less than two weeks left to the end of the college school year, its hard to believe that I have attended college for two semesters.  In some ways, it flew by so fast that I can’t remember the first semester.  In other ways, I’ve grown to enjoy watching the seasons change on campus, it was so noticeable.

My silver making jewelry 1 class is also coming to an end next week and I’ve so enjoyed it all.  I’ve decided to take Jewelry II for the month of June and also plan to continue with the certificate program at the College as well.   I really enjoy going to school and learning.  Its so different from when we’re in our 20’s. 

Now I can’t say that I’m happy about the thought of returning to work the last week of August.  In fact, I wish I could hit a lottery, big time.   The thought of returning to people who have no appreciation for the work u do, is very depressing.  I hate to think that what I will have to do, is go to work, do what I have to do and come home. Repeating this for the next seven years!

I love working with the population I work with but I don’t like working for the people I work for.  There is so little appreciation shown for fear that we may skip a beat. 

My summer schedule is going to be very hectic.  College three nights a week, jewelry class one day a week with the possibility of an additional course.   How will I ever give this up?

It was difficult last semester to get my head into studying and I totally forgot, that taking graduate courses meant writing papers.  Long papers that have to be to perfection and in a style that most of us are clueless to.  My first paper is due in a little over a week and I have yet to start writing and reading.  I guess not that much has changed in my approach since my days in college 35 somewhat odd years ago. 

However, I am thrilled that we’re situated in a classroom that is acoustically better for me.  The powerpoints are awesome as the Professors follow them pretty much to the letter, so hearing, is not a big issue.  I so wish we had powerpoints when I was in college.  I doubt very much I would have been a Social Worker had there been an easier way to grasp the material with hearing loss back then.  I can just feel all the emotional anxiety creeping up on me as I think back to the days of College.  It certainly was not easy.

Well, it also looks like I’ve hit the half way mark to this sabbatical and I am very aware that one day, I have to return to the work force. In the meantime, I plan to enjoy it, embrace it, and get the most out of it and who knows, maybe now I’ll feel good about retiring one day.

I know, I know, its not over till its over.  I still have finals left, but in my head, this first semester is over baby.  I registered for next semester and obtained the approval I needed from my workplace.  Next semester is all graduate courses but I’ll only be in classes one day a week….YAY!  In the meantime, when finals are done, I have six weeks off to play.  Now is this a life or is this a life?

Hard to believe I only have one more week of classes left then finals week.  I’m not sure whether to be thrilled that this semester is almost over or to be sad that I’m edging closer to returning to work.   At least I have one more semester after this one.

The only exam I’m concerned about is Anatomy as it’s all memorization from day one.  This is the only class where we have to go back to the beginning and refresh our brains with all the information.   Hope no one asks me to remember anything else, my brain is full, closed to the public.   I can’t even remember all my nieces and nephews names to label their Chanukah gifts.  I have to get their attention by saying “ay you, this is yours.”  

Spanish, you either got it or you don’t.  My Spanish professor informed me that she’ll give me the listening part in writing so that I can follow along with the rest of the class.This weekend I plan to do a great deal of studying, I just don’t know what I plan to study first. 

It’s Chanukah but it doesn’t feel like a holiday without my kids here.  I miss them terribly but hopefully, they will be here for the next holiday. 

Apparently, one of my professors decided to post our midterm and presentation grades on CUNY’s portal blackboard.   I just so happened to check as I wanted to know if the Anatomy professor had posted our midterm grades.  She didn’t.  But my “Disorder” class did and I got a 95 on my midterm and a 99 on my presentation.

How the heck do u give someone a 99?  What is the rational for taking away a point?  Was it for the way I was dressed that night?  Maybe she didn’t like my sense of humor and decided to deduct a point? In anycase, my average for that class is 98.6……sounds like a song from way back when.   I certainly have no right to complain.

Today Spanish class started out with listening to a song that had verbs we are using .  The song is adorable, the beat terrific and so I want to share it with my readers.   I’m sure there are some words you will know.  Me Gustas tu means “I LIKE YOU”   Its about a young man who is clearly infatuated and wants to express his joy to his love.

  • que hora son mi corazion
  • te lo dije bien clarito
  • permanece a la escuacha
  • 12 de la noche en La Habana, Cuba
  • 11 de la noche en San Salvdor, El Salvador
  • 11 de la noche en Managua, Nicaragua
  • Me gustan los aviones, me gustas tu
  • me gusta viajar, me gustas tu.
  • me gusta la manana, me gustas tu
  • me gusta el viento, me gustas tu.
  • me gusta sonar, me gustas tu
  • me gusta la mar, me gustas tu.
  • que voy a hacer
  • je ne sais pas
  • que voy a hacer
  • je ne sais plus
  • que voy a hacer
  • je suis perdu
  • que horas son, mi corazon
  • me gusta la moto, me gustas tu
  • me gusta correr, me gustas tu
  • me gusta marihuana, me gustas tu
  • me gusta colombian, me gustas tu
  • me gusta la noche, me gusta tu
  • que horas son, mi corazon
  • que horas son, mi corazon
  • radio reloj
  • 5 de la manana
  • no tod lo que es oro brilla
  • remedio chino e infalible