A Radical Sabbatical

Its hard to believe that I am now in June and have approximately 12 weeks left before returning to work.  Yea, I know, 12 weeks is alot.  But not as much as 12 months were…lol.

I’ve continued with my silver jewelry making classes though the five week course is not as good as the 13 week course.  Too condensed, too fast paced and the majority of the people in the class, are extremely talented and creative.   Thats not to say, its not fun.  Its alot of fun just very hard work.

I’ve started on my summer credits and its interesting though I am so uncertain whether I should even be doing it.  I will however, complete the six credits (in six weeks) and finish the certificate program in the Fall with my doing an externship while I return to work full time as well.

I have so much going through my mind about life, work and me.  I feel in limbo with everything these days.  I want to just get on a plane and go away.  I’m feeling on the verge.  I’m feeling everything around me either makes too much sense or no sense. What do u do when you’re in limbo?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not tormented or feeling suicidal, just feeling that I’m not where I want to be at this point in my life and questioning whether I’ll ever have what I want or be where I want to be at this point in my life.

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 I just heard of an online friend (young, meaning my age) had passed away last night.  Knowing people who die suddenly just takes the wind out of me and it just seems ever since I entered my 50’s, life and death have come together and are only separated by a very fine line.

I don’t think that I am frightened by death as much as I am frightened by not living my life to its fullest, not having yet accomplished the goals I set out for myself and not having the guts to take action yet, on matters I dwell on in life.

Being confronted by the death of friends, friends parents and all that I read about in the newspapers on tragedies which take lives, has made me realize we should not, I should not, believe that I have time on my side to contemplate, vegetate, procrastinate all that I want to accomplish in my life. 

Now I’m not being negative here, though I’m sure some would argue that I am being downright pessimistic.  In fact, I feel this has all caused me to rethink the way I look at life and death.  My loss of hearing, though sad and complicated, is not life threatening. My desire to lose weight can be life threatening if I fail to take care of my health.  My religious beliefs or lack of them is not life threatening.

Time is on our side? I think it is and it isn’t.

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I’m feeling down this weekend as I become keenly aware that my return to work is going to happen, like it or not.   Its not that I don’t like work, I do.  Its that I actually like the idea of retiring and unfortunately am seven years away from that point in my life.

I guess some people would say, don’t rush it but I so enjoy being home, learning and doing new things. My son is home for the summer and its wonderful having him here.  He wants to grow up so badly and I want to remain young forever. There are so many things I want in life, not material things necessarily but people things.  I want to go places with my friends and loved one.  I want to enjoy everything around me.

Over the past two weeks, my speech discrimination feels as though it has deteriorated.  It probably hasnt but thats how it feels.  My allergies are destroying my scenses and I’ll been living on sudafed, advil and ambien.  

All in a day!

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I am so in awe with having made and completed two rings in class today.  I just cannot believe I did it.  I’m not the creative type nor am I the most sensibly fashionable woman u will ever meet.  I guess that’s why I stick to basic colors like black and heather gray.  They’re easy to match things up with and go together well or individually…lol.  

We had our last class today and I just can’t stop admiring the ring I made with a beveled stone.  I now have an appreciation for all the handcrafted hard work that goes into making jewelry although, we probably made the easiest of what could be made or what one could learn.  

I was so proud when the teacher used my completed work to show the class how low to cut the bezel for the zone setting.  I couldn’t help but gloat……okay, okay, I didn’t gloat, I was qvelting……I was in awe that I had done it right.  I even managed to make one more ring (without a stone) with a design and tinted the ring.  Who knows, maybe I’ll be able to give up my job one day and spend weeks just taking jewelry classes in the city……………………………………….

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With less than two weeks left to the end of the college school year, its hard to believe that I have attended college for two semesters.  In some ways, it flew by so fast that I can’t remember the first semester.  In other ways, I’ve grown to enjoy watching the seasons change on campus, it was so noticeable.

My silver making jewelry 1 class is also coming to an end next week and I’ve so enjoyed it all.  I’ve decided to take Jewelry II for the month of June and also plan to continue with the certificate program at the College as well.   I really enjoy going to school and learning.  Its so different from when we’re in our 20’s. 

Now I can’t say that I’m happy about the thought of returning to work the last week of August.  In fact, I wish I could hit a lottery, big time.   The thought of returning to people who have no appreciation for the work u do, is very depressing.  I hate to think that what I will have to do, is go to work, do what I have to do and come home. Repeating this for the next seven years!

I love working with the population I work with but I don’t like working for the people I work for.  There is so little appreciation shown for fear that we may skip a beat. 

My summer schedule is going to be very hectic.  College three nights a week, jewelry class one day a week with the possibility of an additional course.   How will I ever give this up?

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After five years of watching my mother descend into the belly of dementia, I cannot get use to the behaviors that appear before me.  Her descend has been slow but always noticible, at least to me.

I’ve witnessed her threats, her cursing my life, her paranoia, her screams, her nightmares, her stripping naked, her cries for help and her calling for the police. But none have the effect or rattle me as her calling out for her mother.   She lost her mother well over 65 years ago, but her mind cries out for her mother to help her and comfort her as if her mother were in the next room.

Usually we medicate her to calm her, but she’s in the hospital suffering with pneumonia and cogestive heart failure and they feel she is overmedicated with what we give her at home.  So here I sit, listening to the hell that she lives in, wondering, is this what it all comes to?  Is this going to be my destination at some point in time.  What a cruel and unusual punishment to have handed down to my mother.  Had she not suffered enough before, during and after the camps?  

I’m angry and I don’t know who to be angry with.  I want to kick, spit, scream and cry out to give my mother her sanity back.  I was never very close to her but she is my mother and I would never turn my back on my responsibility as her child.  Afterall, she brought me into this world and for that, I am grateful. 

If my mother can’t be “sane” and enjoy her life, then all I want for her, is to be at peace.  Dementia is eating away at her like vultures and she’s dying a slow death in quicksand.

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Lately, I’ve been thinking about life and whats important.  And every time I decide that work should not rule our lives, u have to stop and ask yourself, who has that luxury these days or on any given year?

I never would have believed it if someone told me prior to my sabbatical, I would adjust very well to being home and having free time.   However, I would have never believed that I would enjoy my free time as much as I have.   I feel the end of my year closing in on me and I’m frightened.  I’m trying hard to not allow the negatives affect my today.

School has not been as exciting as it was last semester.  However, I am enjoying   hearing the other students speak about their experiences working in the field with children on the spectrum. 

My jewelry making class is awesome and has truly been the highlight of my year. I love hanging out with my friends and taking in the city.  Its just been great.  We all recently decided to take another class that would take us thru the end of June.  I hope to learn so much more.

As I mentioned in a previous post, a close friends husband died while on vacation.  Its been so hard to watch the family go thru the pain and loss.  I think about them day and night and feel helpless.  No one can fill the void that they are left with.  The sudden loss of a father and a husband.  One minute the person is here…..the next second they are gone.   People say, this is life.  I say, it’s unfair.  It’s a lousy deal to hand someone.

On the radical side of things, I did not accomplish my goal to lose some weight. Of course I still have time to focus on it, but I was hoping to lose all my weight by the summer time and we are quickly approaching the summer. 

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Watching friends lose their aging parents is always hard but when you lose a friend to an unexpected death, the loss is devastating.   We are are four couples who travelled together, celebrated together and shared our most intimate secrets.  Most recently, our group of 8 became 7.   Two of the couples recently went on vacation. A bit of snorkeling, some good wine and beautiful walks.   I received an email from H telling me she could not believe what a wonderful place it was and they were having fun.

Yesterday, I received a call, H’s husband died, either a heart attack or an aneurism. We were devastated.  How could this be? 60 years young.   I felt as though a part of my life had been ripped out from under me.   Obviously, the death made me think of how close we all are to not knowing when and where it can happen.   But losing a loved one is so frightening.   It makes me realize how unprepared I am for it and how unprepared we are as a couple.

L was truly a good soul.  Funloving, down to earth and a good friend to all those who sought his friendship.  I will miss him terribly.  I will miss his understanding of me, I will miss seeing him smile when he’s with H, I will miss seeing him with us when we are four couples.  But most of all, I will just miss his being around.

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Okay, I know its time to write whats been going on but its been making me very anxious.  I guess the idea that its now April and I’m moving closer to returning to work has me so filled with anxiety. 

School has not been a joy this semester.  I so enjoyed last semester but mainly because it was more challenging.  This semester is all papers no tests.  Writing papers has never been my thing and its even less so, now.  I had a bit of an incident in the classroom the other day.  The Professor was lecturing and the girl next to me and I were reading each others projects.  Clearly, we should not have been reading, we should have been paying attention to the lecture.  There are 15 students in the class, so the teacher will notice anyone who is not paying attention.   Suddently, I heard the Professor screeching at us, “what do you think you’re doing?”    I of course, did not bother answering as I was in shock that she took the road of the neurotic professor.   On the other hand, my peer turned to her and said, we’re reading each others projects.  With that the Professor went off on us and could not refocus on the lesson.

Now mind you, I am older than this Professor but I felt she could have handled the matter differently.  She could have just said, ladies, this is not the time to do this, please put it away.  Afterall, this was not an elementary school this was a graduate program.   I realized at that moment, that people on the hierachy in College are no different than the people in the DOE (where I work).   I would not be the least bit surprised if this woman deducted 5 points from our final grade.  In our syllabus she wrote, no reading in the classroom.   hmmm, imagine that. 

So, school this semester is not exactly what I would have liked it to be but I am learning a great deal about children on the spectrum.  Now my silver jewelry class is awesome.  It has really opened me up to being creative and I actually enjoy making the jewelry.  I’m having problems with soldering but I’m hoping to get the hang of it with more practice.

My parents have been fortunate with the weather this winter as its allowed them to continue going to the senior center.  However, my moms dementia is just awful.  Her physical deterioration is becoming more and more noticeable and her loss of bodily functions very difficult.   I’m never sure whether to be grateful that she is unaware of things or not.  

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I haven’t written a formal paper for a college class in almost 35 years, so I wasn’t surprised to have gotten a point value of 15 out of 20.  The Professor commented that my observations were good but that I had left some significant information out on speech and language.  Well, duh! I am not a speech and language major which is what 1/2 the class consists of.  The other half are teachers.

I guess if I were paying closer attention to the Professors lecture on speech and language and what we are looking for with children on the spectrum, I might have understood it better.  Well actually, I looked back at my notes and I seemed to have a good grasp of the material.  Well, I guess if I had read all the required readings I may have had a better understanding. 

Actually, I learned something very important today.  What it all comes down to is one thing, I hate writing papers.  I didn’t like writing papers 35 years ago and I hate it even moreso, now.  

I’m thinking my chances of writing any research papers in the future and becoming very famous are pretty slim.

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