A Radical Sabbatical

Lately, I’ve been thinking about life and whats important.  And every time I decide that work should not rule our lives, u have to stop and ask yourself, who has that luxury these days or on any given year?

I never would have believed it if someone told me prior to my sabbatical, I would adjust very well to being home and having free time.   However, I would have never believed that I would enjoy my free time as much as I have.   I feel the end of my year closing in on me and I’m frightened.  I’m trying hard to not allow the negatives affect my today.

School has not been as exciting as it was last semester.  However, I am enjoying   hearing the other students speak about their experiences working in the field with children on the spectrum. 

My jewelry making class is awesome and has truly been the highlight of my year. I love hanging out with my friends and taking in the city.  Its just been great.  We all recently decided to take another class that would take us thru the end of June.  I hope to learn so much more.

As I mentioned in a previous post, a close friends husband died while on vacation.  Its been so hard to watch the family go thru the pain and loss.  I think about them day and night and feel helpless.  No one can fill the void that they are left with.  The sudden loss of a father and a husband.  One minute the person is here…..the next second they are gone.   People say, this is life.  I say, it’s unfair.  It’s a lousy deal to hand someone.

On the radical side of things, I did not accomplish my goal to lose some weight. Of course I still have time to focus on it, but I was hoping to lose all my weight by the summer time and we are quickly approaching the summer. 

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Watching friends lose their aging parents is always hard but when you lose a friend to an unexpected death, the loss is devastating.   We are are four couples who travelled together, celebrated together and shared our most intimate secrets.  Most recently, our group of 8 became 7.   Two of the couples recently went on vacation. A bit of snorkeling, some good wine and beautiful walks.   I received an email from H telling me she could not believe what a wonderful place it was and they were having fun.

Yesterday, I received a call, H’s husband died, either a heart attack or an aneurism. We were devastated.  How could this be? 60 years young.   I felt as though a part of my life had been ripped out from under me.   Obviously, the death made me think of how close we all are to not knowing when and where it can happen.   But losing a loved one is so frightening.   It makes me realize how unprepared I am for it and how unprepared we are as a couple.

L was truly a good soul.  Funloving, down to earth and a good friend to all those who sought his friendship.  I will miss him terribly.  I will miss his understanding of me, I will miss seeing him smile when he’s with H, I will miss seeing him with us when we are four couples.  But most of all, I will just miss his being around.

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Okay, I know its time to write whats been going on but its been making me very anxious.  I guess the idea that its now April and I’m moving closer to returning to work has me so filled with anxiety. 

School has not been a joy this semester.  I so enjoyed last semester but mainly because it was more challenging.  This semester is all papers no tests.  Writing papers has never been my thing and its even less so, now.  I had a bit of an incident in the classroom the other day.  The Professor was lecturing and the girl next to me and I were reading each others projects.  Clearly, we should not have been reading, we should have been paying attention to the lecture.  There are 15 students in the class, so the teacher will notice anyone who is not paying attention.   Suddently, I heard the Professor screeching at us, “what do you think you’re doing?”    I of course, did not bother answering as I was in shock that she took the road of the neurotic professor.   On the other hand, my peer turned to her and said, we’re reading each others projects.  With that the Professor went off on us and could not refocus on the lesson.

Now mind you, I am older than this Professor but I felt she could have handled the matter differently.  She could have just said, ladies, this is not the time to do this, please put it away.  Afterall, this was not an elementary school this was a graduate program.   I realized at that moment, that people on the hierachy in College are no different than the people in the DOE (where I work).   I would not be the least bit surprised if this woman deducted 5 points from our final grade.  In our syllabus she wrote, no reading in the classroom.   hmmm, imagine that. 

So, school this semester is not exactly what I would have liked it to be but I am learning a great deal about children on the spectrum.  Now my silver jewelry class is awesome.  It has really opened me up to being creative and I actually enjoy making the jewelry.  I’m having problems with soldering but I’m hoping to get the hang of it with more practice.

My parents have been fortunate with the weather this winter as its allowed them to continue going to the senior center.  However, my moms dementia is just awful.  Her physical deterioration is becoming more and more noticeable and her loss of bodily functions very difficult.   I’m never sure whether to be grateful that she is unaware of things or not.  

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I’ve learned a great deal from the classes I’m taking this semester but more importantly, I’ve learnt that working with children on the spectrum is not for me.  I’m happy that I’ve learned so much about this area, its given me a great deal of insight.

I guess my heart and soul has always been to work with children who have hearing loss or those students who are deaf as well as with their parents.   Though I have some time before I return to work at the end of August, I am beginning to feel somewhat in panic mode.  I guess the first half of the year has gone by so fast and I don’t want the second half to go by too quickly.  I’m enjoying this freedom and time for learning.

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Watching the Doctor try to get a vein while she laid half naked on the table was difficult to watch.  She always had trouble with Doctors drawing blood especially since her veins are so thin.  When she sat up on the table, she looked somewhat frightened like a child who just realized, she lost sight of her mother while wandering away, innocently.  She looked right through me with her aging eyes and nothing, looked familar to her.

While we were waiting for the results of the tests, she repeatedly asked me, where are we? when are we going home? When we arrive home she asks, when are we going home?  Dementia is a funny thing. You’re looking at this person you once knew very well but you no longer know them as they were.

I hate watching both my parents grow old.  It’s demeaning and there is no pride.  Their apartment looked and felt “old” and I hated when family visited, especially the grandchildren and the great grandkids.  I wanted the place to look more comforting and inviting so I asked my father if we could refurnish the place.  I guess he saw it as a day out galavanting around looking at new things.  The shopping and decision making were all done in one day and he did choose the furniture and I must say, I love the way their place looks and feels now. 

While sitting and talking the other day, I asked my mother how she likes the furniture and she responded, “its very nice but I don’t plan on staying here long.”   We all sort of laughed but at the same time, it wasn’t funny.  You have to have a sense of humor to grow old.  I plan to be flamboyant in my old age, rolling in humor no matter where my mind is.  I plan to be quick with replies and enjoy my life.   If the day comes that I choose to die, I want to die with dignity and grace.  My mother has no dignity or grace left. When do we lose it? Where did it go?

I had no idea how involved I would be in my parents life this year and how much rift it would cause between my brother and I.  It also has given me a bird eye view of my own destiny.   Remember when you were thirteen and you felt you were going to live forever?  Nothing could ever stand in your way.  You felt ageless as though you would forever be that age and never grow old like the people you witnessed.  This was not meant to be a sad post, it was meant to be a little of both…..both sad and content.  Its all relative….. Its all life…… its all love ….. and its all ageless.

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