WOW! This past January was a year since my mom passed away and in two weeks, it will be a year since my dad passed away.  I still feel the tears when I think of them and have gone to the cemetary several times to speak to them.  But most of all, I went with my daughter several months ago to tell them that Sharon (my daughter) is engaged and that we will miss them terribly when the wedding comes this June.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD…………….

I’ve been to several shiva calls over the past year and yes, I’ve come to some sort of agreement or terms with the fact that I will die, eventually.  I consider myself extremely fortunate to have a roof over my head, a husband I love, children who have graduated college and that we are all working.  I feel lucky to be cutting it. 

Not to say that things don’t get rough sometimes.  But we have to put things in perspective.  Okay, so I can’t vacation whenever and wherever I want to or I can’t give my daughter the type of wedding she might be dreaming of.  However, we all have our health, our lives or ours.

My biggest problem these days are dealing with my hearing loss and my mental state, which is not always where I want it to be.  But everyone has baggage and I wouldn’t want someone else’s.  I miss my parents terribly.  I miss my father complaining, I miss my mothers silence.  I miss their presence.  I hope that when my time comes, I will have left positive things for my family to think of when thinking about me.  We only have one life or maybe two, I don’t know, but I don’t want to waste my life on jealousy, hatred or anger.

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One Response to “I THINK, BECAUSE I DO……………….”
  1. Michele says:

    You are right to focus on how fortunate you are, and I hope your daughter’s wedding in June will be a wonderful celebration of welcoming another to share in the life you have with your family. I know you won’t be able to avoid missing those (your mother and father) who cannot be there physically, but I hope you do not let that fact take anything away from the day. I hope you let the memory of them be enough.

    Here’s where you are lucky… You will miss your parents terribly when the wedding comes in June.

    Holding our baggage up against another’s does make us content to bear our own, but also when we look at what we had that other’s might not have had, it can make us thankful for the anguish of missing someone terribly, and so I share this for perspective only… I never knew, met, or laid eyes on my father, all I have of him are empty stories and DNA. At a relatively early age, my mother began a slow check-out of having any real presence or positive impact in my life, so that by the time she passed away, at age 82, there wasn’t much to miss. A day spent with a mother on this earth, and one lived with her in the grave, are virtually the same. That fact makes me feel as if I am at fault, and really I’m not. Sigh…

    My children will marry, and though I will probably think of my mother in passing (I wore her cameos to my nephew’s wedding last month as a way to honor her) on their wedding days, I won’t miss her, or my father terribly, because neither of them added much to my life when they were alive.

    Be thankful that you will miss your parents terribly, and then celebrate, again, all that you have… a roof over your head, a husband you love, children who are thriving, and the fact you are cutting it!

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