Martin offered some great advise. I will add that there are at least two purposes for a guide. First, as he said, to get everyone on the same page. It may not be possible to get consensus on everything, but close enough will work. It might have to.

Second, having someone other than a family member inform elders of some options can be much more effective than it coming from their “kids”. This way, the kids can remain allies and not get into the “I think you should do this” dead-end. Our parents might be reluctant to take our advise, not matter how practical we think it is.

As for the relationships piece, it is possible to allow everyone their say while keeping boundaries intact. It means someone has to facilitate this type of interaction, either you or an outside source. Once you are clear with what you want, without pushing your agenda on everyone else, you’re in a better place of negotiation and getting agreement.

With being fearful of aging, it’s common to be apprehensive about each new developmental phase we approach in life. Getting old is no exception. This takes some concentrated personal development and being willing to change the way you think. There are wonderful resources available today on how to do just that.

Sorry to go on! I am so passionate about this phase of life, and having been in the situation you describe I offer what I did to ease the strain. I only hope what I’ve said is helpful.

This is new territory for all of us, and getting help from outside sources could be the best thing you do for your family and yourself that will serve you well into your elder years.