Sometime between my graduating High School and College, my parents seemed to grow old and I certainly can’t be blamed for that…lol. But as I became more and more independent, my mother took my flying off very personally. She never encouraged me to be independent nor did she ever really want me to become anything other than someone’s wife and possibly live in a mother-daughter home with them after I married.
When I think back on life with my parents, we never shared any secrets and I don’t remember ever really sharing laugher or secrets of the heart. I don’t hate them for this, they suffered miserably. I mean, I did hate them for a long time, but eventually, I understood them. Their lives had been taken from them and they were and are still mentally trapped in the camps.
I have no idea what my parents might have been like before the camps. All I know is that they had been stripped of their sanity, persecuted for their beliefs and forced to do things we certainly would find unimaginable.
I feel as a result of all of this, I lost a mother and a father before I ever had them. I was so angry at my parents for so long. Angry at them for not being forgiving and forgetting until I finally realized, there is no forgetting no matter how much they forgive.
So now, I wonder if I will ever let go of the anger. I can rationalize the importance of letting it go, but I can’t accept to forget. But within the context of being a parent myself now, I always stop and wonder how I managed to give what I didn’t get.
Being on a sabbatical has certainly given me a great deal of time to think. I also have more time to spend with my parents which is very difficult emotionally. Its difficult to watch them grow even older and more fragile by the day. And when I see my mother, I always hope that she is clueless as to who and what she is right now because I want to believe that at this point, she is in a peaceful place in her mind though somehow, I doubt it.
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November 19th, 2007 at 6:17 am
WOW! This was powerful! In so many ways I think most parents and children grow through difficulties together. I too was angry with my parents for many years. I believe that’s normal on one level, and probably compounded by the things your parents went through. What happened to them impacted their relationship with you. I was angry with my my parents for different reasons. Then one day last summer my mom shared something so profound it took my breath away. I never stopped to think how it was for her, or that she actually regretted her own actions to THIS very day. Then I counted back and realized — My God she was much younger than me when certain things happened. She did the best she could with what she knew. She loved me and parented me the best she could. That’s all we can ask. I know you’ve been a good daughter to your parents, even though you feel anger inside. Relationships can be so complex.
In your case, though, I guess the anger is not so much at your parents but at the situation that caused your parents’ suffering and the loss you suffered because of what your entire family lost? That’s much worse. I wouldn’t expect you to be free of anger. I suppose the hard part is knowing where to direct it.