Archive for November, 2007

Right now I am so annoyed with the person who has to approve my coursework change.  I finally got him on the telephone today, after leaving messages on email and phone all week.  What part of the word courtesy is difficult to remember? a simple response, yes, I’ve received the info and we’ll get back to you shortly.

I mentioned (very politely) that I had emailed and left messages.  I was wondering if he had any questions concerning my request and would I have an answer soon.  The person replied, “you’ll get an answer when I’m ready to give u an answer.”  …. and then there was silence.  

Now mind you, this person and I don’t even know each other.  We’re total strangers.  They are one of many people in the system who have been given new responsibilities this year.  This person did not even have the courtesy to allow the receipt to come back to me, confirming that they received my request.   I then asked, well, when do u think I can expect a letter or email on this? He said, I don’t know.  I then said, I really could use the info by Monday as I am scheduled to register on Monday.  The person replied, “you’ll get an answer on Monday.”   and that was that.

I want to spit, kick, scream and throw things.  Speaking to this person only reminded me how much I dislike working for certain people.  There’s a real nastiness in their tone.  A fuck you attitude, I’ll get to it when I get to it, if I even get to it.

I don’t understand their rationale for being so nasty or their way of thinking.  I don’t even understand why they are in the position they are in or how they even got in.  If they are not happy with their work, get out!

It all brings back lousy memories of what I might have to look forward to upon returning.  Oh man, the parents are so much easier to deal with.  I feel sick thinking that I may have to do this for ten more years.  I love my work, I just don’t like the bullshit.

In Anatomy today, we were all sitting on pins and needles waiting for the Professor to hand out the results of the second midterm.  I saw two students crying when they looked at their grades. I’m guessing it was not tears of joy and my heart went out to them.   I am so happy not to be concerned with my career being on the line for a grade.

When I received my paper, my heart skipped a beat when I saw the 71.  I was absolutely thrilled.  I couldn’t have been happier.  Afterall, this is a very tough class and to think that I would be a 90’s student in this class, would be very unrealistic of me.   I am so proud to have come away with a 71 on this test.   With two and a half weeks left to the semester, we have test number 5 next wednesday in Anatomy and then the final.

Now maybe I’ll be able to focus on going to the gym a bit more often and taking care of me.

This had to be one of the best holiday weekends I’ve had in a while.  Both my kids were home with us and for the most part, they were around all weekend, hanging with me and my man.

It was nice not having to go to work and having to somehow work in the holiday preparation time.  Thursday, we all met up at my parents but unfortunately, my niece and her family could not make it this year.  She’s pregnant and restricted to bed rest.  We missed her very much.   My sister in law had shingles and so she could not make it either.   All in all, it was a fun time even though my father’s dr. jekyl and mr. hyde persona was present through out.

All the little extended nieces and nephews ( I hate the word great nieces and nephews, just sounds too awkward), were there and its always fun to see how they’ve grown since the last reunion.  It was great all around though some tend to bitch about the inconvenience, the majority of us, are happy to see everyone.

The rest of the weekend was spent with our own kids.  Shopping and a movie with Sharon, talking to Thaniel and just catching up on things, having Thaniel and his friends over, all of us on computers at the same time, and on and on…….

We took Thaniel out to celebrate his 21st birthday.  He chose his favorite restaurant and I had the waitress bring out some desserts for his birthday.  Thai desserts…..lots of fun.

OMG, I just cannot believe he’s 21 already.  Having the two of them in the back of the car this weekend carrying on where they left off when they were little kids….had Ed and I laughing.  Thaniel disconnecting sharons calls while she’s talking on the cell or txting someone, Sharon screaming at him, the two of them smacking each other in jest.   It certainly warmed my heart because we were all smiling or laughing at the scene.   Thaniel asking “are we there yet?”  in his little boy voice.  Too hard to resist saying, “we’ll be there when we get there.”

I cooked on and off over the weekend and made some new things I had wanted to try out.  Some a disaster but two that were definitely good.  Dropped Thaniel off at JFK this morning to return to school and Sharon to her apartment.  All in all it was truly fun but now I have a nasty head cold.  I am so thrilled not to have work tomorrow.  However,  I do have classes that I must attend to.  I don’t want to miss out on getting my midterm back in Anatomy.  

The kids did get a nasty kick out of my second life involvement.  We definitely had a good laugh over many of the things that have happened to me in SL.  Its so strange to find them not understanding the fun I am having there.  It doesn’t interfere with my RL and I do NOT spend hours on it.  Oh well, que cera, cera!

Apparently, one of my professors decided to post our midterm and presentation grades on CUNY’s portal blackboard.   I just so happened to check as I wanted to know if the Anatomy professor had posted our midterm grades.  She didn’t.  But my “Disorder” class did and I got a 95 on my midterm and a 99 on my presentation.

How the heck do u give someone a 99?  What is the rational for taking away a point?  Was it for the way I was dressed that night?  Maybe she didn’t like my sense of humor and decided to deduct a point? In anycase, my average for that class is 98.6……sounds like a song from way back when.   I certainly have no right to complain.

Sometime between my graduating High School and College, my parents seemed to grow old and I certainly can’t be blamed for that…lol.   But as I became more and more independent, my mother took my flying off very personally.  She never encouraged me to be independent nor did she ever really want me to become anything other than someone’s wife and possibly live in a mother-daughter home with them after I married.

When I think back on life with my parents, we never shared any secrets and I don’t remember ever really sharing laugher or secrets of the heart.  I don’t hate them for this, they suffered miserably.  I mean, I did hate them for a long time, but eventually, I understood them.   Their lives had been taken from them and they were and are still mentally trapped in the camps.

I have no idea what my parents might have been like before the camps.  All I know is that they had been stripped of their sanity, persecuted for their beliefs and forced to do things we certainly would find unimaginable.

I feel as a result of all of this, I lost a mother and a father before I ever had them.  I was so angry at my parents for so long.  Angry at them for not being forgiving and forgetting until I finally realized, there is no forgetting no matter how much they forgive.

So now, I wonder if I will ever let go of the anger.  I can rationalize the importance of letting it go, but I can’t accept to forget.  But within the context of being a parent myself now, I always stop and wonder how I managed to give what I didn’t get. 

Being on a sabbatical has certainly given me a great deal of time to think.  I also have more time to spend with my parents which is very difficult emotionally.  Its difficult to watch them grow even older and more fragile by the day.  And when I see my mother, I always hope that she is clueless as to who and what she is right now because I want to believe that at this point, she is in a peaceful place in her mind though somehow, I doubt it.

It hasn’t been easy to be back in the classroom and it has nothing to do with my age.  The college classrooms are just not set up for people with hearing losses.  I was wrong when I said they were.

On this typical day in class, I am having an exceptionally hard time making out what my Spanish Professor is saying.  My speech discrimination is very poor with all the distractions.  The Professor knows I am hearing impaired but the classroom is stifling hot on a cold winters day, the windows are wide open to get some fresh air.  The sounds of Flatbush are screaming into the room, the door to the hallway is wide open and I can see and hear students laughing and screeching into their cellphones.

The lesson goes on amidst all the confusion but no one appears bothered by it all, except for me.  I continuously ask for repeats and ask a few students for a quick rerun on what was said and when the Professor notices I am having a problem, she quickly comes to my rescue and trys very hard to repeat and rephrase. 

Unfortunately, with all the background noise and her beautiful Latin American accent, I choose to nod my head and say comprendo, thinking I’ll study harder tonite and she’ll never know I didn’t hear her.

WOW! I never thought I’d be in this position again. Allowing myself to say yes when I should have said no, I don’t hear you, I am not getting it.  The college classroom is not that much different than the public schools.  In fact, it could be somewhat worse for the public school student.  There are usually metal coat and book stands in the back of the elementary and junior high classrooms and that would cause reverberation 101.

I’m not quite sure why, but this whole thing has affected me and made me feel really lousy about my hearing loss and my poor speech discrimination.   I suddenly feel as though, hey! maybe I’m missing out on more than I realize.  It’s quite a blow to the ego.

I wondered what it was like to hear everything that was being said, I haven’t thought about that in ages.  I wondered what it was like to get the message the first time around and to laugh at the same time everyone else laughs.  I question what it would be like to rarely ask for repeats and never worry about hearing whats being said.  Suddenly, I am wondering whether I have been fooling myself to believe that I have been getting along okay. Suddenly it hit me, I might not be.

Obviously, there are people reading my blog but unfortunately, unless u leave me a comment, I have no idea who my fan base is…lol.  I can only tell how many people are reading my blog.

 So feel free to comment, criticize, compliment or just say hi!

First off, I had studied for this past weeks anatomy test like a true geek.  I wanted to do well very badly.   As the teacher was handing out the graded test papers yesterday, I sat anxiously thinking how I have one more week to drop the course and how I would manage to take the class next semester and work harder. 

The Professor came up to me and asked if the handwriting on the test she was showing me, was mine?  Apparently, I had forgotten to put my name on the test paper.  I looked at the grade and saw a 92.  I grabbed the paper and said yea thats mine but wait, any chance u have a paper with a grade of 100 on it that’s missing a name?  She didn’t laugh!

 I got a 92 and I wanted to jump for joy but I had trouble parting with the test paper when the Professor wanted them back. You know how when you have a kid who brings home a nice grade or compliment on their school project, and you hang it up on the refrigerator door for the family to see proudly?   Well after years of putting my childrens projects on the refrigerator door, I really wanted my test grade on my fridge.

So today, I made a big sign and hung it up on the fridge.  It said:

                 ANATOMY TEST ON CRANIAL/FACIAL NERVES

                                        AND DENTITION

                                                   92%

Okay, taking anatomy of speech, language and hearing may not have been the smartest thing to do on my part.  But I have to admit, I have learned so much from this course.   Clearly, this is not just a reading course, its an all out memorizing course.  An exercise in your ability to retain a full textbook of diagrams, muscles, bones and every single aspect that goes into speech, hearing and language.

Since the last exam two weeks ago, I studied every single evening. This past weekend, I studied more than I ever studied through my total school life (elementary thru graduate school)…lol  no kidding!

I actually think I did very well on todays test and if I did, than that puts me back on the list to pass the course.  Of course, two weeks from today we’re having another midterm which will cover everything from the last midterm onward.  That is going to put a big dent on my social life, for sure.

Do you have any idea what goes into moving your tongue?   I had no idea how many muscles even go into moving your lips!  In anatomy yesterday, we viewed a video where a Doctor was showing us parts of the tongue and all the muscles involved in moving the tongue and lips. 

YEP! the tongue has several parts to it.  I hate to say it but I was really grossed out during the video as were my classmates.  The corpse was scary looking and the Doctor was pulling and lifting all the parts made us very, very nauseous.  The head looked like a carcass as if it had been carved, just like a thanksgiving turkey. 

Having said that and having viewed all the innermost parts of the mouth, I’m not too sure I’ll ever be able to eat meat again. Then again, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to make out again……….