A Radical Sabbatical

As long as school is out, I’m still on a sabbatical.  Hard to believe I’ll be returning to work in about a month.  I have been questioning, what has changed about me over the past year? I would like to think that some things about me have changed.  I tend to be very aware of my feelings but I’m not sure if anything about me has changed.

I want to believe I’ve learned to be tolerant and have the ability to keep my anger and differences under wrap.  I do know one thing, I’ve learned that I am a very capable, trustworthy and good person.  I can do whatever I put my mind to, but I allow myself to be way too lazy and slack off.

I love to learn new things, enjoy learning jewelry making, interested in learning to paint and/or sketch.   I love music and wish I could play it the way Nate plays it.  I just don’t have the ears for it nor the raw talent to be musical. I do however, have the ability to carry a tune when singing some of my favorite songs.

I don’t necessarily wish I were younger but I know I don’t want to grow older with the problems I have witnessed between my families. There are so many more things I want on a personal level but have yet to reach those goals and am not sure if I ever will in this lifetime. 

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My mother in law is only 80 years old but over the past two weeks, she’s turned into somewhat of an invalid crouched in her wheelchair, busy in her own world of characters speaking in a language that is half hers and half theirs.   My heart breaks as I think of this woman before the disease ravaged her brain and body.

We may not have always agreed on things with one another but we seemed to have a good understanding of our comparable lives without ever having to say a word. The religion, the family, the animosity.

 She was a meticulous dresser, always coordinated, always looking sharp, always looking like a Queen in her role doing the right thing for her family.  Working long hours in a job that kept her on her feet all day until she returned home and started her night time job as a wife.

Life is not always fair, as I know all too well.  When she was first diagnosed with the Lewy Body disease, I don’t think any of us thought of it as anything more than another word for Alzheimers.  We expected her to forget things, forget where she puts things and maybe in ten years, she would have trouble recognizing us.  But from the time of diagnosis, it seemed to appear that we overlooked alot of little changes in her personality until everything seemed to be moving in fast forward.

In reading the material on this disease, I can now recognize her on the pages.  We who look at her, think she is terribly frightened or lost in her own world but the reality is, she is in a world where she seems to know everyone and they know her.  She feeds them and herself, she sews, she cooks and she socializes in her world.   We, looking in, are frightened by the prospects of losing her to another world that does not feel comforting to us, yet somewhat comforting to her.

There are moments of her being lucid and seems to be with us for a moment or two but her heart takes her back to where her life appears to have settled.  Though I am only a daughter in law, I feel as though I never had a chance to say goodbye.  My heart breaks for her and her family but she is somewhat content and we are somewhat lost and in fear.  We fear we have lost her, we fear we may never again see the woman who was once here.   Yet we also fear that this may be our destination as well.

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New legislation is being put on the table which will require closed captioning on some internet videos.  Reading various sites, I see that many technology people are against closed captioning on the internet.  They feel the government will now get their hands on regulating and setting fines for videos not captioned.

 At first, I was very much for the legislation.  But rethinking it all and reading on the comments and criticisms on the subject, I wonder, do we really want the government watching everyone on You Tube and regulating it?  Do people on Vblog want their videos captioned?   Do u really want the government controlling the internet?  This is how people are responding to this piece of legislation.

Naturally, as a hearing impaired person, I want access.  All I wanted were for the videos on news based sites to caption their videos, candidates online to caption their videos, advertisers to caption their videos.   Naturally, there are many ways to caption our own videos with lots of free software out there for us.  So who should be taking the responsibility for this?

Here’s the legislation that is being presented and causing an uproar in the technology world on the internet:   What do u think?

http://arstechnica.com/news.ars/post/20080626-new-bill-mandates-closed-captioning-for-internet-video.html

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You know when you hear about someone quitting their job, packing up and just leaving? Did u ever wonder how successful that person was in their attempts to leave all that they uprooted?   Do people really just pack it in, pack it up and leave? Do they really leave it all behind for short term? long term?  and never look back?

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When u look at all the technology out there from the beginning of their creation to its current status, u’ll note that most technology started out large and clutsy looking and eventually the product was reduced in size BUT improved in its functioning purposes .  For example, Look at computers, headphones, cellphones, xerox machines, fax machines, TTY’s, even televisions and radios.   They all went from large to small and improved.

 Now, lets look at the hearing aid.  Hearing aids started out as horns, something looking like the Shofa used on the Jewish holidays.  The first real hearing aid  by Sonotone with a transistor was put on the market in 1952 for $229.   In fact, AT&T (American Telephone and Telegraph……remember them?)  gave out free transistor licenses in honor of Alexander Graham Bell.

 Without losing a beat, companies began producing their own aids and competing. Acousticon put an aid out soon after for $74.50.  The hearing aids were powered by batteries worn around the waist.  Could u imagine if the competition continued with prices like these to this day?   Anyway, my point is that hearing aids have always been small, but they never quite improved and never got cheaper the way other technology has.  In fact, the hearing aid price is so varied and so steep and so difficult to shop around for, that most buyers will not price them the way we do when buying a car.

Sure, we have the directional microphones and the programming of the aids for different environments and background noise reductions.  We have the options of digital, digital programming and analog.  All promising maximum speech understanding.  Did u ever wonder whether it was all a gimmick?  I mean, after all, hearing aids don’t provide 20/20 hearing, so why make promises u can’t keep?

All I know is that when I cut the background noise out on my hearing aid, with that advantage comes the downside of the voice i’m listening to being lower as well.  Or when there are two speakers, one behind me and one in front of me, my directional mics seem to get a little ditsy and neurotic. 

Point being that for some reason, the hearing aid industry has changed asthetically but not really technically.  They have their new state of the art micro style differences, the ergonomic designs made especially for the boomer generation who has become so vain and forgotten their roots.  And I just love when a company states, u won’t even know you’re wearing them……duh! never in a million years.   I am constantly reminded that I’m wearing my aid.  Whether from someone’s dumb question of “are u wearing your aid today” to “is your aid working.”

Naturally, I’ve accepted that hearing aids are not the perfect solution but they give me the best situation for my hearing loss.  I would have preferred the aids have been more miraculously improved without convincing us they are so dynamically tuned for our specific hearing loss and that our ability to hear will be a miracle.   And whats with the tiny battery? How do they expect the largest population of hearing impaired people to put that little battery into that little thingie compartment?  And don’t forget about what happens when dropping that little battery on the floor.  It’s amazing to watch a group of seniors on hands and knees looking for that stinker.  It’s also amazing to see how far that little battery can travel when its not even on.

I never lead anyone to believe that hearing aids are the all or nothing solution.  Its just a temporary solution to a problem that can’t seem to be fixed by medical science thru other means, yet.  In the meantime, all I want is a hearing aid that works and works to my benefit.  I couldn’t care less about all these ergodynamic state of the art designs.  After all, I don’t expect anyone to say, ay Pearl, cool hearing aid you got there in your ear!

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Today is my birthday and I’m actually very excited. Not about being another year older but that my good friends are taking me out for the whole day and my husband will take Friday off to take me to a special place as well. 

My friends and I decided to go to this new Korean spa in town that has had rave reviews since they opened over a year ago.  I’m getting a massage and going into all seven saunas.  

We plan to have a korean lunch and just relax.  I can’t stress the importance of a woman having girlfriends outside of your main relationships.  Your girlfriends always know the right things to say, they don’t make u feel old, in fact, they make me feel young. 

I’ve always loved birthdays and I never need an excuse to celebrate.  I’ll celebrate anything.  I may not be where I had hoped I would be at this point in my life, but I have very special friends who just make me happy.

Happy Birthday to me!

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Its hard to believe that I am now in June and have approximately 12 weeks left before returning to work.  Yea, I know, 12 weeks is alot.  But not as much as 12 months were…lol.

I’ve continued with my silver jewelry making classes though the five week course is not as good as the 13 week course.  Too condensed, too fast paced and the majority of the people in the class, are extremely talented and creative.   Thats not to say, its not fun.  Its alot of fun just very hard work.

I’ve started on my summer credits and its interesting though I am so uncertain whether I should even be doing it.  I will however, complete the six credits (in six weeks) and finish the certificate program in the Fall with my doing an externship while I return to work full time as well.

I have so much going through my mind about life, work and me.  I feel in limbo with everything these days.  I want to just get on a plane and go away.  I’m feeling on the verge.  I’m feeling everything around me either makes too much sense or no sense. What do u do when you’re in limbo?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not tormented or feeling suicidal, just feeling that I’m not where I want to be at this point in my life and questioning whether I’ll ever have what I want or be where I want to be at this point in my life.

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 I just heard of an online friend (young, meaning my age) had passed away last night.  Knowing people who die suddenly just takes the wind out of me and it just seems ever since I entered my 50’s, life and death have come together and are only separated by a very fine line.

I don’t think that I am frightened by death as much as I am frightened by not living my life to its fullest, not having yet accomplished the goals I set out for myself and not having the guts to take action yet, on matters I dwell on in life.

Being confronted by the death of friends, friends parents and all that I read about in the newspapers on tragedies which take lives, has made me realize we should not, I should not, believe that I have time on my side to contemplate, vegetate, procrastinate all that I want to accomplish in my life. 

Now I’m not being negative here, though I’m sure some would argue that I am being downright pessimistic.  In fact, I feel this has all caused me to rethink the way I look at life and death.  My loss of hearing, though sad and complicated, is not life threatening. My desire to lose weight can be life threatening if I fail to take care of my health.  My religious beliefs or lack of them is not life threatening.

Time is on our side? I think it is and it isn’t.

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I’m feeling down this weekend as I become keenly aware that my return to work is going to happen, like it or not.   Its not that I don’t like work, I do.  Its that I actually like the idea of retiring and unfortunately am seven years away from that point in my life.

I guess some people would say, don’t rush it but I so enjoy being home, learning and doing new things. My son is home for the summer and its wonderful having him here.  He wants to grow up so badly and I want to remain young forever. There are so many things I want in life, not material things necessarily but people things.  I want to go places with my friends and loved one.  I want to enjoy everything around me.

Over the past two weeks, my speech discrimination feels as though it has deteriorated.  It probably hasnt but thats how it feels.  My allergies are destroying my scenses and I’ll been living on sudafed, advil and ambien.  

All in a day!

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It’s over! My coursework requirements for my sabbatical is officially over and I do not feel elated.  I feel somewhat sad that the end result means I have to return to the workplace.  However, I’ve gained so much from this year in school and am now continuing with completing the advance certificate program which I was accepted to.  Its pretty exciting.

I’m actually looking forward to attending summer school for six weeks, two in the classroom and one at home online.  I am also continuing with my jewelry making classes and am now working on earrings.  Have no idea how I’m going to adjust to returning to work but I hope this year doesn’t become a distant memory.

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